Since the title suggests a blend of realistic equestrian simulation and the gritty, lens-flared aesthetic of late-2000s action games (think Gears of War or Call of Duty 4 ), this review is written from that satirical/retrospective angle. Developer: Stablesoft Interactive Publisher: Equi-Distribution Inc. Platform: Xbox 360 (Reviewed), PlayStation 3, PC Release Date: November 11, 2008
The tutorial takes 45 minutes because the horse refuses to listen. Literally. The game requires you to tap the "Trust" button 500 times before the horse agrees to turn left.
You have three friends over and want to laugh at the "Post-Kick Orgasmic Slow Motion" cutscene. Skip it if: You have any respect for actual horses, soldiers, or game design.
Horsecore 2008 is a bad game, but it is a fascinating bad game. It fails at being a tactical shooter and fails at being a horse simulator, but in that failure, it creates something memorable. It is the The Room of Xbox 360 titles.
The final boss fight is a helicopter that you must headbutt while jumping off a collapsing bridge. The bridge is made of hay.
is the game's biggest flaw. You can only gallop for 4 seconds before "Iron Hoof" gets winded and stops to chew digital grass. In a cover-based shooter, this is infuriating. The "War Crime" Meter (8/10 – Unintentionally Hilarious ) The unique feature: a morality system. If you kill human enemies cleanly, you lose "Honor." If you trample them, you gain "Fury." However, the game accidentally flags all movement as "trampling." You cannot walk down a hallway in Chapter 2 without accruing 50 war crimes. The game’s antagonist yells, "You are a monster, a horse without a nation!" while you’re literally just trying to open a door. Sound Design (9/10 – Iconic ) The soundtrack is a time capsule: Nu-metal riffs with horse whinnies autotuned to the same key as the guitar solos. The voice actor for Iron Hoof is a 45-year-old man doing a gravelly Batman impression, but every time he says "Mare-ijuana" or "Unbridled Rage," you will laugh. The death scream of a terrorist is a high-pitched "Neigh" played in reverse. Multiplayer (4/10 – Dead Server ) Split-screen co-op allows two horses to kick a bomb back and forth like volleyball. It’s broken. If Player 2 uses the "Rear-Up" emote, the game crashes. Online is dead, but the ghost lobbies still show "8 Players Online" from 2011. Final Verdict Score: 5.5/10 (Cult Classic Potential: 9/10)
John Wick meets My Little Pony during the Iraq War. You are Sgt. Buck "Iron Hoof" Thompson, a special forces horse court-martialed for insubordination. When a terrorist cell known as "The Mange" steals a prototype atomic saddle, you are the only equine loose cannon who can buck them back to the stone age.