Table Hockey Hijinks ((install)) 〈2024〉

"THAT’S A GOAL! HOUSE RULES! CEILING SHOT COUNTS!" Me: "THERE IS NO HOUSE RULE FOR ASTROPHYSICS!" The Aftermath We called it a draw because the cat threw up the pretzel water, and the lasagna was charcoal.

Dave gently vibrates his goalie rod. It looks like his netminder is having a seizure. It’s illegal. It’s dishonorable. It blocks 100% of my breakaways. table hockey hijinks

The red light flashes. The obnoxious buzzer sounds like a dying robot seagull. "THAT’S A GOAL

Time slows down. The puck hits the ceiling fan blade. The ceiling fan is on. Thwack-thwack-thwack. Dave gently vibrates his goalie rod

My favorite move. When Dave shoots, I spin my goalie rod 360 degrees. Does it work? No. Does it look cool? Also no. But it occasionally knocks the beer bottles over like bowling pins, creating a liquid defense. The Grand Finale: The Overtime "Ceiling Shot" Sudden death. The tension is thick. The kitchen timer goes off (lasagna is done, but we ignore it). Dave has the puck on my blue line.

So dust off your dome table. Find your most competitive friend. And remember: the goalie is always cheating, the red team is always faster, and if the puck goes behind the fridge, you have to use a spatula to get it out.

But here’s the thing—he hits the edge of the puck. The little red disc launches not toward my goal, but